Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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