My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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