I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
