Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
