Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
