i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
