What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
