Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
