Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize