So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
