A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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