She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Found the puke drawer
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
there is glitter all over my balls
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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