Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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