You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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