Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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