Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You ruined the universe
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
