I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
