Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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