dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
