I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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