thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
