i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
