Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
