Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
