You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
