I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
