If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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