Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
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