Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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