how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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