Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
