it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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