omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
