I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
