My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
