i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
