Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize