She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
