a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
