I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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