i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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