just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I will die if light touches me.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Someone came in the potted fern
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
