well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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