so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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