end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
