I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
