Im at strip club and am horny
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
