Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
