So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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