So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
