I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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