I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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