I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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