Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
