I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
