Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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