you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
