just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
