I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
