I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
