Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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