Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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